You know you're a librarian when:

- You know what LA2 and LA3 stand for and the difference between those and librarians.

- You pull out your datebook to see what hours you're working and reach for a bindery slip when you notice it's falling apart.

- You flip to the back of a hymnal in church to see if anyone's made a note about the water damage.

- Your bookshelves are immaculate, books edged to the front and all organized by dewey decimal system or author's last name.

- You go to a bookstore and have a compulsive need to rearrange and organize things.

- Your friends come to you with literature questions.

- Your personal email password is the name of your favorite novel's protagonist.

- You read a great review and immediately check to see if it's "on order".

- You know the Dewey Decimal system by heart.

- If you don't know it by heart you can visual it in your mind and know exactly which shelf to lead patrons to when they ask for a certain item.

- You have nightmares about jam-handed children destroying your recently cleaned jP area that took two days to get through.

- You agreed with at least five of these statements.

Now I'm having flashbacks to my Creative Nonfiction class.

“It's the largest secret society in America -- bigger than the Mafia --- millions of men and women and they know each other only by their elegant syntax and grammar, their excellent word choice --- and their use of the pronoun ‘whom.’” – Tim Russell

You may be an English Major if:

If you spend a lot of time trying to wax poetic to the opposite sex… you may be an English major.
- Lots of guys know that if they turn to poetry, women will flock to them. Who could resist someone who walks up to you and says, “Your eyes are much like the color of my cat’s litter box once it needs changing…”?

If you’ve ever used big and important-sounding words without even realizing it… you may be an English major.
- It is accurate that we as English majors are accustomed to the prodigious amount of vocabulary due to our ability of being perspicacious. Intermittently, it is just scabrous to desist.

If you stay up at night reading poetry until 3 in the morning … you may be an English major.
- Mostly for me this is due to an assignment to read a poem and analyze its meaning. I imagine that most poets enjoy being mysterious and secretly take pride in everyone trying to analyze their work just to get nothing out of it. Maybe their poems mean absolutely nothing and writing them is only a ploy to make people think they know things that they actually don’t. “I've written some poetry I don't understand myself.” - Carl Sandburg

If you use Shakespeare’s words as a guide to your life… you may be an English major.
- The Fool says in King Lear, “Mark it, nuncle: Have more than thou showest, Speak less than thou knowest, Lend less than thou owest, Ride more than thou goest, Learn more than thou trowest, Set less than thou throwest; Leave thy drink and thy whore, And keep in-a-door, And thou shalt have more Than two tens to a score,” (King Lear, Act 1, Scene 4).
- We had this poster in college that said, "They say it's kind of a cult. The followers stay up all night. The men wear makeup. And someone is always setting something on fire. So who is this hero they worship? That would be the long-haired guy with the earring."

If you are constantly correcting people’s grammar in a public setting… you may be an English major.
- People may think of you as a snob, but as much as it bothers these people when you correct them, there is a difference between “who” and “whom.”

If you have an unusual urge to correct those that ask “Can I help you?”… you may be an English major.
- There is a difference between “can” and “may.” You would assume that if the asker is a sales clerk , then he or she would be part of the “can” help variety.
- This is much like in writing when people use “your” instead of “you’re.” “Your stupid!” “My stupid what?” There is also a big difference between defusing a bomb and diffusing it.

If you secretly despise popular novels just because of their popularity (such as Moby Dick)… you may be an English major…or you may have taken an Ashby class.
- Not that there’s really any difference for those of you that haven’t taken one. You’ll just have to trust us.

If you despise math and science and all that they represent… you may be an English major.
- Who cares about statistics? Poetry is never about statistics, and let’s face it, any writing about math is just plain boring.

If you take a road-trip across the country claiming to be Jack Kerouac’s “Dean Moriarty” from his novel On the Road… you may be an English major.
- Who wouldn’t want to drive across the country with a protagonist fixated on drugs, women, and intellectualism?

If you ever feel the need to have a pen name… you may be an English major.
- It is said that when writing under an alias, one is able to speak more freely about their true point of view… or maybe they just want to be referred to as “Armand Hammer,” “Chris P. Bacon,” or “Marsha Mellow.”

If you use the phrase, “of course,” quite frequently… you may be an English major.
- “We were English majors, of course --- I say, ‘of course,’ because that's a phrase that, of course, English majors use often, especially when saying extremely questionable things. But that goes without saying.” – Dave Barry

If you tend to take punctuation into your own hands… you may be an English major.
- We all have our own unique writing styles. Punctuation is a big part of that. Look at Emily Dickinson, she never used anything but a dash and look how far she got.

“As an English major, one is naturally in a good mood most of the time — a good knowledge of English is salubrious — you are transported by words, such as exultant and beatific and felicity — you amble or perambulate or trip lightly or gallivant and felicitous phrases tumble through your consciousness — ‘how sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank, here we will sit, and let the sounds of music creep in our ears.’” – Garrison Keillor

True or False:

All English majors love poetry.
- False, some of us hate it with a passion. We only read and write it if it’s assigned and then avoid it like the plague.

All English majors will write poetry.
- False, many of us have been holding in all our anxiety and rage about the constant reading of poetry and all things romantic that once we graduate we enjoy writing about explosions and shooting things.

All English majors only hang out with other English majors because of literacy issues.
- False, we have other friends as well . It’s not our fault if some of them can’t keep up with our being precocious and all.

All English majors are romantics at heart.
- False, many of us, due to extensive research in this area, become cynical… and scary.

All English majors constantly have their noses in a book.
- False, clearly not all of the English majors in the world can fit all their noses into a single book.

All English majors constantly quote Shakespeare and use his works as a guide to our lives.
- True, one can learn so much from the mighty Shakespeare, even things like finances. Feste says in Twelfth Night, “These wise men who give fools money get themselves a good report--after fourteen years’ purchase,” (Twelfth Night, Act 4, Scene 1).

All English majors are easy to pick on.
- This may be true at times, but you must beware when you pick on an English major. They might write something about you that people will be reading all over the world even hundreds of years from now. There would be nowhere to hide for you or any of your offspring.

Green Bags and Nametags

How can I describe the past few days?

I'll simplify it for you in two words.

Mass hysteria.

So, there's this thing called "Grad School". And, there's this other thing that comes along with it called "homework". Usually the homework involves reading something and writing something. This past assignment was a little bigger than that. A lot bigger than that. A demographic study of the patrons in our community. And, since we're a system with numerous locations meaning anyone from anywhere in the county could go to any library, I did a study on the county. Included statistics on age, gender, education, race/ethnicity and financial demographics. Then put it all together in a powerpoint.

And I have to say, I used to hate Microsoft Word 2010. I was not a believer. I was so used to 2003 and 2007 on Kate, that when I installed 2010 on Ziva I completely avoided it like the plague. The shortcuts are different, buttons are in different places, it just looks like a mess, I didn't understand any of the new features, etc. Now? It freaking rocks. Dude, have you checked out any of their graphics or clip art selection? How about the awesome SmartArt that gives you designs and you fill in the information? Plus, with building pie charts and bar graphs comes along Excel and all you have to do is plug in the numbers and it links the documents together. It's fantastic!

I'm now a believer. So, if nothing else comes from this project, at least I'll have that. "We'll always have demographics," I'll say, raising a toast and closing the lid.

I've spent every free moment I've had working on that project for the past three days. And spare moments in the days before that. And now, it's done! And posted as of last night! And I felt like celebrating! And you know how I celebrated that today? I went to a conference!

The NLA conference to be exact. Oh my god, the nerd convention, I freaking loved every minute of it. I freely admit that I'm a nerd. I've learned to just go with it. But being in a place filled with other fellow nerds? We like freaking took over the whole building.

Sessions on Web Reference tools, Digital Humanities, Turning your library around circulation and public-wise, learning about the scholarships available for the MLS program, going to a panel discussion on life during and after MLS. Which is me! And those are just the programs I attended, there were like 6 options for every hour session.

And OH MY GOD, I saw so many freaking classmates it was ridiculous. Granted it is a library convention, but still. Everywhere I went. Frankie, Kathryn, Linnea, Sherm, Angela, plus professors and the Library Goddess who is always ever present in times of library craziness and shenanigans.

Speaking of shenanigans, I wonder how Battledecks is going? Remember how we're nerds? Well, after they opened the bar, tonight's entertainment was basically these people go up and have to present the future of the library on the basis of a powerpoint they've never seen before. They literally have to think on their feet as soon as the slide is shown. Sounds awesome, but again, I'm a nerd.

Even more of a nerd that I came home to crash and burn instead. The demographic study has stolen more than few hours of sleep from me so I don't know how much longer I can be online. I will give you the highlights before I konk out.

There are some seriously funny librarians out there. I know some of you probably think of us as the mean old ladies with the glasses who sh! people and then glare when you don't shut up. But we're not. We're anti-stereotypical librarians. We take over hotels and hit up the bar. Oh my god, the place was crazy!

Let's start with walking into the hotel.
Fearless Leader: "There are gonna be sooo many nerds!"
and then again
FL: "Library swag" was a phrase used repeatedly during the day. i love it. We got these green bags to hold all our free stuff and it was hilarious because they were all green so when everyone left to go to lunch you could tell if they were one of us - even from like blocks away - because they'd have that giant green bag. and nametags. It was like a library cult or something. Green bags and nametags required.

Slim Shady: "I want my foam!" her day just started off bad, she got sausage for breakfast when she didn't want sausage for breakfast and then we were in a presentation and when she tried to take the lid off her coffee it started making these noises. And you know how when you're in a big group and someone's talking so you want to be quiet, and that you open your candy or pop or whatever as quietly as you can so that as few people as possible will notice? she was attempting to pull the lid off one centimeter at a time because she needed that foam.

Presenter: "I can say hola! and that's about it." on her spanish language skills, or lack their of.

Slim Shady: "What did she say?"
Me: "No idea but we should probably clap." what? everyone else was!

Mayor: "And don't forget about the sunken gardens!" well, figured out his favorite place in town. yes the actual mayor made a speech. that's big potatoes man. i've used that phrase so many times i don't remember if that's the actual phrase or if the actual phrase is "small potatoes" and something wasn't small it was infact big so I switched it? or maybe it is "big potatoes" and at one point something wasn't all that big of a deal so I said "small potatoes" instead. which is an actual phrase? i mean, i know they're both phrases, but which one is accredited to more than just me?

Keynote Speaker: "S.L.U.T.S. Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress. We wine a little, we laugh a lot." fantastic.

Keynote Speaker: "If I get a glamour shot at 60 I'll look like Whistler's mother!" she showed a picture of her mom when she talked about SLUTS, saying it was her idea.

Presenter: "And you can share it with the world! And people can use it for things you don't know about." the joy of uploading photos online. but the presentation was awesome - the fact that she's LCL made it even better. we're awesome like that. she gave a lot of good reference databases though, definitely gonna use those at work.

Kathryn: "It's Match.com for librarians!" about their facebook page, which we're supposed to "like" and upload librarian stories. i think it's kind of cool, like a community forum thing.


And here's a bonus from yesterday. "I'm a sweater addict. I admit that freely. She wanted a book on fashion in the 80's. Has it really changed?" I just sat there and laughed.

Alright all, tomorrow is an all-day at one branch day so I'm gonna gonna crash. Hope you have a good night. And if anyone went to Battledecks hit me with some highlights!