Post #1000: My Top Library Moments of All Time

That's right, 1000 posts.

Kind of a big deal.

So I debated topics but then it hit me, my top moments at the library of all time.

Well, library system that is since I've worked at two branches.

So, here's a list of my favorite (and not so favorite at the time but now find them amusing) moments since I started back in 2010.

And yes, this post is epically long. Don't worry, you won't have to worry about that again...until post 1500 or 2000 or 2500...

To make it easier to follow I divided them up into categories. They're not really in order of importance, except for the Magnet category. That one is.

Magnet Moments
1. Likes Ass or Jazz
-I have a problem at work. I seem to attract a serious amount of creepers. Slim Shady called me a magnet once and it stuck. "Likes Ass or Jazz" is my number one magnet moment. It goes as follows: I helped a guy find sheet music and asked "can I help you with anything else?" He gave me the once over and I have never said the phrase ever again at work. Instead, now I say "can I help you find anything else?" Anyway, he asked for my number, I said I don't date patrons then went back to work. I thought I had escaped until about 20 minutes later when he showed up to check out at the front desk. While I was busy scanning his sheet music he grabbed a pen and paper and wrote something down then slid it in my direction. I waited until he left to look at the paper. On it was his name - illegible - followed by his number and the phrase "Likes ass or jazz." Needless to say I did not call him. And of course he just happened to be outside when Slim Shady and I walked out to our cars so we pretended to be in deep conversation when passing him and his friends so I wouldn't have to face him.

2. Everything that everybody warned about
-Likes ass or jazz is number one on my list, but it's not the most intense of the group. That honor goes to Tom. Tom is a long story that I will try to sum up in a paragraph. I was working upstairs in the lab when this guy came up and asked about bank phone numbers. He smiled, I smiled, whatever. Anyway, later in the day I was downstairs shelving DVDs when he showed up behind me and asked for my number. Tom is the reason for the no dating patrons rule, just so you know, unfortunately for me that means the rule wasn't in existence yet and he seemed sane so I gave him my number. Turns out he wasn't. My favorite part of the whole experience was going back to the desk and hearing my work brother tell me he was bad news and then another coworker saying that my work brother would know bad news because he used to be bad news himself. Anyway, so we met up after work at a bar, played darts, and it was fun. In fact all was fun until I woke up the next morning with 30 missed calls on my cellphone. I decided then that he was too much for me and ended it over the phone. When he wouldn't listen and continued to call me all day I turned off my phone and later listened to a voicemail saying if I didn't answer he was going to show up at the library the next day and make a scene. Which meant I had to tell my bosses and the guard. That was fun. I also told Second Sister who then called me every hour on the hour for 24 hours just to make sure I wasn't locked in a trunk somewhere. She insisted if he showed up at my apartment that I was supposed to do the "intercom breakup", starting a new trend for breakups everywhere. Needless to say after that I never dated a patron again.

3. Grey shirted foreign guy
-So I had this patron at the work branch who would ask me out and I replied, sorry I don't date patrons. He then learned that I worked at the home branch and started showing up there and asking me out. I told him the rule applied to patrons systemwide. Then he started talking about marriage and settling down and it became even more awkward. When he showed up the next day at the work branch I told my work brother to not leave me alone with the foreign guy in the grey shirt. About half an hour later I'm helping out this guy who happened to be foreign and wearing a grey shirt, but it wasn't the actual guy, and my work brother shows up out of nowhere, hands me a book and says "take this to the back room." He then took over and when I came back the guy was gone. While I was glad he was watching out for me, it was still amusing because it was the wrong guy.

4. Hey, Little Red Riding Hood
-"Love at the library" is what Slim Shady called this one. This guy was on a computer and wanted to know about dry camping so I helped him find some info yet completely forgot now what dry camping is in the first place. Anyway, I had red hair at the time and he started calling me Little Red Riding Hood. It continued for a week until he stopped coming in.

5. Karaoke Mike
-Mike was a guy who would hit on me every time he came in and I did my best to avoid him but for some reason he was very consistent. During our last encounter he asked me to go karaoking with him and gave me the address to a bar here in town with a time and date. Fortunately I was busy and couldn't go and that was the end of that.

6. Jerry
-True creeper this one. This older guy who would come in and get DVDs and then he'd tell me he'd see me in his dreams. He asked for a picture of me once, it was really awkward.

7. Old Lady Stalker
-Unfortunately it's not only men that follow me around the building. I have a woman that does that too. This one told me her life story while looking for books on Suzanne Somers. While I thought she was being nice I was told she actually has a history of stalking female employees and now whenever she comes in I'm required to leave the area.

8. Commenting Creeper
-While on my way to the back room I passed a drunk guy seating next to the doorway. All the sudden I hear "nice ass..." and kept walking in fear of turning around and having him leer more at me. When I told this to my coworkers in the backroom one of our former aides said she would have cussed him out in Russian. We went back out but he was already gone. Bummer.

Incident Reports
1. Fortune Teller
-We have these things called Incident Reports that we have to fill out when anything bad happens and once they're submitted they get emailed to the rest of the staff. By bad I mean patrons showing drunk, people throwing fits, just anything that is bad enough that needs to go on record. I've filled out quite a few of these throughout my three years but one sticks out in particular. A lot of the time people that call in want phone numbers. This is fine, we have lots of resources, it just takes time to find them. One lady called in wanting personal numbers and when I couldn't find them fast enough she started to insult me repeatedly. I did my best and eventually found the ones she was looking for and that's when she became all sweet and said she wanted to tell me something. Apparently, she could tell from the way that I spoke that within the next two weeks I was going to find a mate. Also, the world was going to end so I needed to right all my wrongs and never take advantage of anyone. Because of her threatening nature earlier in the call I had to write up an incident report and include her ramblings of my finding a mate within the next two weeks. Needless to say I got a lot of responses about that one. Coincidentally, less than 2 weeks later I met Tom...

2. The code
-We have this code - I can't tell you what it is cause that would negate the code - but we have a code that we use when we're in trouble at the desk and need to get away. We call someone at a different desk and say the code or sometimes when people notice we're having trouble they come and take over and send us to find the code. There was once such instance that stands out the most. Queen of the Known Universe and I were working in the lab when this guy came up to the desk and kept asking me all these personal questions. I remember it was around Thanksgiving and he basically invited himself over to my house for Thanksgiving. QoftKU happened to be there so she went out into the stacks and using her cellphone she called the desk. I answered and then acted like I needed to go find something for her. She then went to the desk to cover. After a few minutes he realized I wasn't coming back so then he started to talk to her. I saw this from the stacks so I decided to call her desk from my cellphone and she used that as an escape method as well. We met up in the middle of the nonfiction and watched as he stood by the desk waiting for us to come back. When he finally realized we weren't coming back he left and we returned to the desk.


Home Branch Fun
1. "I know this is ridiculous but..."
-My first day of work at the home branch, and for the library system in general, was spent in the back room. We had these plastic bags that we gave out for Summer Reading and apparently the legal department decided they were dangerous because if a kid put it over their head they would suffocate. I can still remember Glee-Loving Boss's voice when he said, "I know this is ridiculous..." and handed me a 3 hole punch so I could punch holes in the bottom of each of our plastic bags.

2. Dirt System
-Space Cadet and I were having a conversation about shifting stuff around the library. I said something like, "what happens if I just move it?" and she responded with something like, "you don't have the power to do that you're dirt. no, you're below dirt mining for minerals." This is back when I was an aide. I actually enjoyed that immensely because for the next 3 and a half years I got to say, "she called me dirt" in a little kid whiney voice and then she felt all fake bad about it. It actually led us to creating what we called the Dirt System. It represented the library's hierarchy and goes something like this:

Director - Sun
Assistant Director - Moon
Branch Manager - Clouds
Admin Staff - Sky
Librarians - Trees - though Sensei wanted to be a shrub
LA3's - Grass
LA2's - Dirt
Aides - Below dirt, mining for minerals aka Subdirt

I was excited because I was able to bring it back this week. I asked if I was still dirt if I had my Master's degree.

3. Flu Mist Nasal Spray
-Every year I get a flyer for Flu Mist Nasal Spray sent from an anonymous source through interdepartmental mail and it's because of this incident. I hate needles. If you know me at all you know that already. I pass out in their very presence. I told this to Glee-Loving Boss when he talked about getting a flu shot. He said that I should get the shot or I would get sick and I said I would rather get the flu than get the shot. At that very moment Oldest Sister decided to walk in, cause she used to come to the home branch all the time back when I was there. Glee-Loving Boss relayed this story on to her and she agreed that I needed to get a flu shot and that she would go with me just to hold me down. That's when Glee-Loving Boss said that they now make a nasal spray that works just as well. I still said I would rather get the flu and somehow majestically escaped getting the shot, I think Oldest Sister got too busy and distracted, yay. Anyway, I forget about it and then every year around December in the mail comes an ad. I have them hanging all over my desk and locker.

4. Shirley's Face
-You know how some people have their volume turned up really loud on their phone and even though you don't want to hear their conversations you do anyway? This happened once at the home branch when I was helping our volunteer with the self-check. There was a woman on the computer next to the self-check and he phone rang. When she answered if you could hear the gentlemen on the other side of the line say VERY LOUDLY "I've got diarrhea bad!" I will never forget the look on Shirley's face when she turned and looked at me. Horrified is one word to describe it and the expression is forever burned into my brain.

5. Screw the fan, you want an e-reader!
-This one came after the Christmas when e-readers were THE hot gift and we would get calls at the library every hour asking how they could download e-books from our catalog. We were told that instead of avoiding talking about e-readers with our customers that we needed to embrace them and be enthusiastic about them because they were the future. During a particularly amusing Tuesday night Space Cadet and I really took this one to heart repeatedly throwing out the phrases "yay e-readers!" and "we're enthusiastic about e-readers!" We then got into a discussion about how her husband is very handyman-like and fixes things around the house. One thing he was fixing was the ceiling fan. Apparently the lights flickered - which he fixed - but then the fan stopped working even when you pulled the string so I was like, "well maybe you should get a new fan", and she was like "it is new!" So I yelled "Well then screw the fan! You want an e-reader!" She died.

6. Sea cow vs. Snow leopard
-This is another Space Cadet Tuesday night. We used to work together every Tuesday night, Tuesday nights were my favorite cause I was only there for 2 hours. It was Space Cadet at first, then the Queen of Awesome, and Joe Studley, it was always a lot of fun. Anyway, when it was slow Space Cadet and I would have debates. One famous one was who would win in a fight a sea cow or a snow leopard. Random I'm aware, but we read that sea cows were extinct and she had recently had a dream with a snow leopard in it. I have no idea why. Anyway, our conclusion was that a sea cow would win because they're too big to leave the water and the snow leopard would never last that long under water.

7. 9/11 Parking Lot Adventure
-Why is it that all the bad things happen when you're alone in the building? The home branch is a particularly small library and sometimes there's only 1 person there to close. One night about 5 minutes to close a woman came in crying, hands all scratched up and covered in blood. She had tripped over a curb in our parking lot and wanted to know if she could use our bathroom to clean herself up. She was an older lady so after she returned from the bathroom I helped her apply some bandages and asked if I could help her to her car. She seemed really shook up so I called Superwoman and asked what to do. She came over to the library and we decided to call 911. An ambulance and fire truck came and checked her out. She ended up leaving in the ambulance for further tests.

8. "You looked all serious." "I am serious, I gotta get rid of this 7Up!"
-Another Space Cadet reference. One morning she came up to me looking all serious and I thought I was in trouble. She proceeded to tell me how she inherited this box of 7Up and wanted to know if I would take it. I said sure and then said I was worried because she "looked all serious." She responded, "I am serious, I gotta get rid of this 7Up!"

9. Sunny D Utility Belt
-When I used to work mornings at the home branch I would bring a bottle of juice with me for breakfast. I was prone to leaving it somewhere while shelving. Queen of Awesome told me that I should get a utility belt to put it in so I wouldn't forget it.

10. Dead limbs
-You know how sometimes when your cat bites you your limb goes numb? Anyone? Anyone? No it's not a good sign, but it only happened once and eventually came back so it was fine. The only problem with that was in the meantime I had to go to work and on this particular day Superwoman needed me to get on a step stool and hang up artwork. This may be easy for a person with two arms, but when one of those arms is dead you're left trying to figure out how you're supposed to hold up the picture above your head along with the stapler and then how you're going to staple with the stapler. I ended up using the dead arm to hold the artwork and stapler to the wall then I bashed the stapler with the good arm. Skills.

11. Contents: Weed
-As an aide you do a lot of boxing. Donations mostly, but every few months the branches run what they call "weed lists" which are lists of items that need to be weeded from the collection. Pulling the items was not a problem but what made me laugh was the signs we had to tape to the sides of the boxes to make them recognizable. Contents: Weed

12. Shelver's Curse
-As an aide you also do a ton of shelving. You are the backbone of the library whether they like it or not. Thankfully when I was one I had a very supportive crew with me. Anyway, since you shelve repeatedly you get to know the call numbers and their locations. I started calling it the Shelver's Curse but it's actually quite useful when you're out in the stacks. The only problem is that I was a shelver at the home branch and learned my call numbers and locations from there so now when I need to locate an item I visualize the shelves at the home branch and judge what the call number is by where it's shelved in my mind. 2 years after retiring as a shelver at that branch.

But, if someone asks,
Computers are 005's,
Encyclopedia's are 031's,
Bibles are 220's,
Finance are 330's,
True Crime 364.152-154,
Foreign languages are 400's,
Math and Science crap is 500's,
Health and exercise is about 612-620,
Car manuals 629's,
Gardens are 635,
Animals are 636,
Cookbooks start at 640 and go through about 649 which is when you'll hit the
resume books at 650.14,
after that it's knitting and sewing in the early 700's,
Comics and how to draw stuff is in the 741's-745's,
Decorating is 747's,
780's are music,
790's are sport stuff,
800's are mostly classic literature stuff and
some comedy around 817,
all the travel stuff is in the 900's,
US travel is like 917s,
917.82 or 917.822 is Nebraska central.
For some reason you get baby names at 929. No idea why.
Then you've got US and world history after that in the late 900s,
And then it's all biographies from there.

13. The Lost in Transit Band
-We had a merry band of coworkers so we once decided we should start a band called the Lost in Transit - that's another one of the lists you run when you're an aide. We all played different instruments so we figured we had it all covered. QofA plays flute, Glee-loving boss plays trumpet, Sensei plays piano, I play guitar and Joe Studley was our lead singer. We were very different people but it seemed to work. In fact, we all had very different majors - genealogy, theology, nutrition, english, and business but that just helped us to be better as a unit.

14. "She says I should get a sticker. Or a gold star. Or a pizza." 
-Space Cadet loves pizza. In fact we used to order pizza and eat it at our staff meetings then she and I would debate about who in town had the best pizza and breadsticks. I did well on something, I think it had something to do with the point system, and Space Cadet told me I needed to tell Superwoman that I deserved a prize. So, I said the above quote and she hit me with, "Oh good grief, she would say pizza." In the end I got a snowflake sticker to put on my nametag. The kind we gave away at the desk that she didn't know about until she showed up that morning and said, "hey cool snowflake stickers."

15. But I am shy!
-If you knew me before the library you know that I'm very antisocial. Or was very antisocial. And shy.
We were scanning books and Joe Studley claimed that I can't be a shy person because I was in drama in high school and I direct a kids camp and I sing and I'm on YouTube. I yelled, "But I AM shy!" And with seriously perfect timing Glee-Loving Boss walked in and said "Since when?!"

16. "Are you free tonight? Do you need to call your mother?"
-So Superwoman and I give each other a tremendous about of crap. It works for us, but it started a long long time ago. The first of which that I can remember was this. She asked me to cover a night shift, and since I didn't have a life - at that point that is - I said yes, not realizing that my mother had this family thing planned. Last minute I called SW and she covered for me, however, the next time she asked me to work late she preceded it with "Are you free tonight? Do you need to call your mother?"


Work Branch Fun
1. Bird in the back room
-This is probably the funniest memory of them all cause I don't think I've laughed so hard, after you know screaming really loudly in a corner that is. So there's this fake bird somewhere in the building and I know this because it was on Superwoman's chair and I screamed bloody murder when I first ran into it. A few weeks later I went into the back room and saw what looked like that fake bird sitting on a cart of books to be checked in. Thinking that Superwoman was pulling a prank on me I approached the bird and then...it moved. I went to the guard and told him about it and he went with me to get it back outside. I should mention that the guard on staff that day was an elderly gentlemen who was a big guy and used to be in the military. I pointed out the bird, closed the door behind me and hid in the corner. The guard noticed that the delivery man had left the door open and that's how it must have gotten in. He then decided that the best way to get the bird back out the door was to herd it in that direction so he raised his arms, started screaming, and ran at it. The bird decided that instead of flying back outside it would fly at my head instead. So I'm crouched over in the corner screaming bloody murder while the bird flies at my head and the guard chasing it around the back room screaming and waving his arms the whole time - reminder this is a big ex-military guy - eventually the bird flew out the door but not before making a mess everywhere. Me, not wanting to touch any of that, thanked the guard and went out to tell my boss running into my coworkers first. Apparently they heard the screams, so still living that one down. I found BossLady and showed her the mess the bird had made all over the place. She said she'd clean it up so I followed her around the room and handed her sanitizing wipes which she decided to chase me around the room with after. Mean. "Scared the crap out of me." "Scared the crap out of it too."

2. Point System
-Since I started right before Summer Reading began my training was being thrown to the wolves. And I survived so I'm stronger for it. Since she didn't get a chance to train me properly Superwoman used to schedule herself with me and quiz me on things. This is where the Point System started. I started at 0 and have worked my way up and down to 156.58 and I'm stuck there. She did give me points for graduating but I think it was like 2 so barely. 156.58 is great, except that my Mom has 150 points and Space Cadet has 175. These are my own fault. Space Cadet got 150 points for sending an email with an attachment which I showed her how to do. Then got another 25 later on cause Superwoman knows I'm gullible and competitive. Mom got 150 cause she sent an email with an attachment and I relayed that to Superwoman. Like I said, gullible and competitive.

3. "Tell them you worship snakes."
-This one came from Cabin Fever about Tom. She was the first one who responded to my Fortune Teller Incident Report and then told me I had to be mean to Tom or he would follow me to the corners of hell. I asked her what I could do to make creepers stop following me and she said she tells telemarketers or religious people that come to her door that she worships snakes cause that usually shuts them up long enough for her to hang up or close the door. She also said I should find something unattractive about myself and emphasize it when creepers are around so they'll leave me alone. I replied - too loudly - "what's unattractive about me?" and another coworker walked by and asked if I was having a bad day.

4. What Was I Thinking: The Hindsight Bias
-Another Cabin Fever reference, because of the multitude of bad dating experiences and just awkward experiences in general we have compiled we decided we should one day write a book entitled: What Was I Thinking: The Hindsight Bias. My first chapter will be called "So I dated a conman - dating mistakes, mishaps, and malfunctions".

5. Lottery Debate
-Every few weeks the Queen of the Known Universe buys lottery tickets that we all go in on. We're convinced that one day we will win it big and don't feel bad now that we know that admin does their own batch buying. We've debated as to what we would buy if we were to win. QoftKU wants a gulfstream stocked with cowboys and firemen, Old New Guy has decided on a yacht with a helipad so we can come visit, and I'm still working on my list of items. It has to be something that goes with the group theme and not something lame like a mansion with a nice sound system. I'm thinking something to do with trains would go over well with my boyfriend.

6. Hulk Taxes
-Every year the library offers tax assistance. One year we did it on Sundays and we open late on Sundays so it didn't start until 1PM. InfoMan, myself and an aide were opening the main floor when suddenly the front doors were Hulk-ed open and a man came in and headed toward the elevator. Infoman explained that we were closed - the lights were still off - and that he needed to go back outside and wait. The man insisted that he needed to be first in line to get his taxes done and proceeded to walk to the elevator. Infoman insisted he needed to wait outside and followed him closing the doors behind him. I can't think of a word better than Hulk-ed his way in, because literally he pried the two doors open and busted his way in. I can only imagine that that's exactly what happens when the Hulk needs tax assistance.

7. Bats at the library
-This one is a little more recent, and yet another opening discovery. While shelving the DVD's I looked up at the ceiling and noticed there was bat hanging next to the light. Crazy birds aside usually I'm not squeemish when it comes to small animals, but at the time my girlish shriek and repeated yelling of my boss's name would suggest otherwise. She thought he was cute. We called Animal Control and he came in with tupperware and a ladder. I went, seriously? That's your bat catching equipment? Not outloud of course, just in my head as I hid in the corner. He put the ladder under where the bat was located, climbed up, placed the tupperware against the ceiling around the bat and shook it until the bat fell into the bowl. He then put a lid on it, climbed down, picked up his ladder and left, shutting me up in the process.

8. "College"
-I have a lot of nicknames for people as you've noticed, and have gained a few myself along the way. My favorite of these is "College" which was given to me by my work big brother. We have a virtual services unit, filled with computer people specifically there to fix things, but whenever there seemed to be a computer problem and he and I were scheduled together he would call me "College" and tell me to go fix it. Which usually I could.

9. Internet down, cellphone reference
-One day last year our internet went down and anything that happens it's a travisty because that's why half of our patrons come to us. They get restless so we do the best we can. The added problem now is that our system is on the cloud so we can't access our library stuff either. This means we have to quick on our feet. During this particular instance wiring had been hit during construction and had to be re-individually spliced so we knew it would be a while. In the meantime I used my Shelver's Curse to find items for people and when that didn't work I looked stuff up on my phone's internet.

10. Bird vs. Glass door
-For some reason bosses always have people train with me. I don't know if it's because I'm young or new or still excited about the library, whatever reason I've trained a ton of people. During one training session I was in youth services when we heard this big THUNK. A bird had flown into the glass door and its feathers were scattered all over the ground. It sat there stunned as were we, trying to figure out what to do. When in doubt, call the guard. We felt bad for laughing while explaining this to the guard but by the time we went over to show him where he was it was gone.

11. 9/11 Fire Trucks Galore
-I was in the back room when one of my volunteers came in and said, "it smells like smoke on second floor." I was about to go confirm this when suddenly the fire alarms went off. 2 hours later we're still outside surrounding the building. We meaning our entire staff - admin included - a bunch of firefighters, and massive patron base all itching to get back on the internet computers. Sad day for them being we closed off second floor due to the smoke smell so they were all re-routed. The best part was when InfoMan decided to get rootbeer icecream from the place across the street. He's sitting there eating icecream in the middle of us just standing around, it was awesome.

12. Food Drive
-One of the joys about being new and active in the library is that you get assigned to a lot of things. One of these was the Food Drive. The first year I was the Padawan with Fearless Leader as my master, the next year I was the leader with my own Padawan learner. Leave it to me to decide we should open the drive up to the public instead of just the staff. After getting that approved we needed even more barrels which meant I had to drive my brother-in-law's beast of a truck around town delivering them to all of the branches. It's harder than it sounds, especially when you're new in town and can't see out of the back window. Anyway, we made it into a competition between branches. The first year it was just the most collected items, my second year we had them make sculptures out of the donated items and then outside judges picked the winner for most creative. My branch won when Fearless Leader and the New Girl created a Very Hungry Caterpillar out of our items.

13. Plant MIA
-There are many quirks at a workplace. One of ours used to be plant placement. We had this volunteer that would come in every few weeks and water our plants. One time she came in and one of the plants was missing. I remember there was a staff-wide email about its whereabouts and everything. One of our employees was currently relocated in our basement and had decided it was dead so she threw it out. Her nickname went from Koha Queen to Plant Killer.

14. TAB Apples to Apples
-I love my TAB kids but my favorite memory with them would probably be our holiday parties - last year in particular. They love to play Apples to Apples the regular addition because they think the junior version is too young for them. This is fine, until they run into a card for Nicolas Cage, Al Pacino, Mike Myers, Georgia O'Keefe, Jacques Cousteau, or even Princess Diana and draw a blank. We started a new rule. If you run into a person you don't know just discard them and draw again. This year they added a new rule for me, even if I know them but I think they won't I have to discard and pick a new one.

15. The Boyfriend
-So it's official. My coworkers now believe my boyfriend is real and not just a figment of my imagination. They can't say it anymore now that they've physically met him. And don't even fake it, I know that's why half of you came to my grad party, you knew he'd be there. The boyfriend has been a hot topic ever since he and I started back up again. And timing-wise it was great because Slim Shady met her now fiance right around the same time. That's when our conversations turned from movies, books, and Harry Potter 20 Questions to boys, every time, all the time. The moments that stick out the most when it comes to the boyfriend both come on Valentine's Day. Him and his damn flowers. It's sweet really. The first year I was in the back room with Girlscout and Info-man when Fearless Leader walks in with a big bouquet. I got out of the way cause I thought she was walking past me to get to Girlscout but she stopped in front of me. Apparently my face has never been so red. I told the boyfriend that my coworkers were giving me crap about him sending me flowers so the next year he hand-delivered them. It was like 5:30 and I was sorting DVDs when I hear Mentor clear her throat. I look up and he's there at the desk with a big bouquet. Sweet. But again, massive amount of crap from coworkers. It's okay, it's worth it.


Off-Desk Adventures
1. Booze Cakes
-That night was like a year in the making. We saw this book called Booze Cakes and thought it was hilarious. Eventually we were like, screw it, we should try it out so one night Fearless Leader and I went over to Slim Shady's apartment and created one. It was a mudslide cake and it was glorious. I left the baking to the pros - I burn soup so yeah - it was a lot of fun. We ate it while watching a marathon of Parks and Rec and I ended up taking a huge hunk of it home with me.

2. Movie Night/Jalapeno Margaritas/Noodlewhatevers
-Not only did we bake but we also saw a lot of movies together, King's Speech, Hunger Games, and This Means War are just a few, not including the ones we watched at Slim Shady's place. We used to eat out a lot as well. I took Slim Shady out for jalapeno margaritas and she hated them with a passion. The next time we went she said, and I quote, "Are you gonna order a gross margarita?" One time we tried this one place and I still can't remember the name of it. I just call it Noodlewhatevers even though noodle is nowhere in the title. It actually has something to do with pickles. I went there a few months ago and texted her that I was at Noodlewhatevers and she knew where I was talking about. It was nice having people my own age so we could do things. Not so much anymore.

3. Barnes and Noble w/ Queen of the Known Universe and Nights out w/ QofA
-But that's okay cause I still have QotKU and the QofA to go out and do things. One time QotKU and I met up at Barnes and Noble after work and joked about the urge to fix their shelving. Then reminded ourselves we didn't work there and it was there problem. We dramatically read summaries from the backs of books and ended up buying a few more than planned. Gave me pause when I looked for a spine label and didn't find one. Not a library. Right. Knew that. QofA and I meet up a lot outside of work as well. Mostly for food and conversation. One of those nights we'll actually make it to a movie.

4. TAB Leader Initiation Night
-And when they're not around apparently I have other options. After a TAB Cosplay Party myself and the other TAB leaders decided to go out for drinks and appetizers. Was fun getting to know them and joking about library stuff. The best part was that the bar we went to was under investigation because the previous week they got busted for strippers on the premises.

5. Inservice Go Fish
-Technically this was off-site at Inservice so I'm including it in this category. QofA and I got back from lunch early and decided to have a rousing game of Go Fish. After which I taught her how to play Old Maid. She kicked my butt. Beginner's luck. Then QotKU jumped in and we played some King's on the Corner.


Conferences 
1. NLA 2011 Green Bags and Nametags
-I like to call NLA (Nebraska Library Convention) GNC (Glorified Nerd Convention). We're nerds, we own it. Get used to it. The first NLA conference I ever went to we walked in and they gave us these green bags to put our stuff in. Fearless Leader labeled them as "library swag". They were awesome, especially when everyone left for lunch and half of downtown was carrying them around while the other half wondered if we were in some sort of cult. I love NLA cause I run into all my fun classmates, some of them even present.

2. NLA 2012 The Full Monica/Fake it 'til you make it
-NLA is different when you're a GA. I spent most of my day, well days I was there both days, running all over the place and taking photos of Mizzou alum presenters. It's more awkward than it sounds. 1 because they don't know me so they're confused as to why I'm taking a picture of them and not the other presenters and 2 because you walk in in the middle of their presentation and then leave abruptly after. There are bonuses to being the Library Goddess's GA. You get to meet everyone, including famous authors like Stephanie Bodeen and Mary Downing Hahn. Was a lot of fun, even though it was crazy weather outside.

3. NLA 2013 Truck Yeah
-Waking up at 4:30 and leaving at 5AM makes for a rocky start but it ended up to be a lot of fun. Road with QotKU in our big badass rented truck and the New Guy joined us last minute. We decided we were hot babes - we'd been hit on a lot that week - so it made for an excellent adventure. The conference was good too. Learned about 3D printers, even saw one in action, got lost on the way to lunch, listened to some government chick talk about promoting library services, and then ended it listening to some of my cooler classmates present about essential technology for special libraries.

4. Inservice 2013
-I was worried because we only had 1 guest speaker the entire day instead of breakout sessions so if she sucked we'd be stuck with her. She was actually highly entertaining. Here are a few of my favorite quotes:
-"Thank you for cheering for that, people in Minnesota don't even cheer for that anymore." (about Vikings going to championship)
-"You don't call AAA, you call Uncle Ray!"
-"You might read a book! *mumbles* librarians...."
-"Middle class has made alcohol good for you, thank you! Exercise? No thanks, I've got red wine!"


Misc
1. Nicknames
-As you've noticed I have a ton of nicknames. Basically everyone has one and its works cause I'm pretty sure they don't want to be first-named in a blog. Here are a few: Superwoman, BossLady, New Guy, Old New Guy, New Girl, Trainee, Mentor, Girlscout, Cabin Fever, Slim Shady, Info-Man, Library Judge, Reference Queen, Fearless Leader, Super Librarian Status, Koha Queen/Plant Killer, Queen of Three, Queen of the Known Universe, Queen of Awesome, Joe Studley, Sensei, Glee-Loving Boss, LLCoolAide, Little Shelver Boy, Space Cadet (shortened from Sleep-Deprived Space Cadets which is when we're both there and half awake) there are more but I'm blanking. Each one has a story behind it and I love them all.

2. Letter from the mayor
-A year or two ago I got a letter from the mayor for perfect attendance. Remember the I had no life reference? It was true. It has not happened since.



Quotes best left unexplained:
-"Public transportation is sexy..."

-"Show me your chest hair."

-"Do you date?"
-"Yes, I date."
-"Men?"
-"Yes, I date men."

-"You guys okay?"
-"I have hay fever. She's hungover."

-"What's the name of that big blue thing that blocks off the restroom?"
-"A gift from god?"
-"I was actually going for partition or divider, but gift from god works too."

“There’s no crying in Koha.” 


Supervisor: "Don't run in the library."
Kid: "I'm jogging!"

Me: "That'll be me in 50 years."
Space Cadet: "But you'll use your inside voice. Unless you're too deaf to hear it."

Fearless Leader: *holding up a copy of Legally Blonde the Musical* THIS is why I hate musicals!

Trainee: "It's like, what's that mean? and then Why are you reading my ass?" about the shorts with words on them.

Slim Shady: "They say it's a psychological thriller. I want to know what that means in the context of ballerinas."

Koha Queen: "I'm way passed bananas."

Girlscout: "My orca is gonna attack your porpoise!" 

Reference Queen: "This shirt is older than you are." 

Me: “Was it Patience or Fortitude?”
Slim Shady: “I think it was Patience.”
Me: “You don’t know do you?”
Slim Shady: “No idea.” take a picture in front of the lions

LLCoolAide: “Jam hands bring nothing but pain.” 


And there you have it. My favorite library moments. I'm sure there are more, and will be more, but I'll save those for post 1500.


On to the music. More of my favorites from 2013:

Troublemaker - Olly Murs


Mama's Broken Heart - Miranda Lambert

sister golden hair surprise.

I'm sensing a pattern with these rollercoaster days.

Work was alright I suppose.

Flew by as has also been the pattern as of late.

I guess there's no real difference in the Dirt System between top soil and mining the minerals below it.

But whatever.

Nothing I can do about it.

Just sit back and watch what happens.

And Slim Shady is leaving so I'm more bummed.

Both of my booze cake buddies have ditched me.

SuperWoman made me pinky promise today that I wouldn't ditch the library to go be with a boy as that's what happened with both Fearless Leader and Slim Shady.

Don't think that'll be happening anytime soon. And if it does we've already mentioned something about living half way between his work and mine.

After work came the high point of today's rollercoaster - aka the Library Goddess's Holiday Party Extraordinaire.

I walked in and she gave me booze with fruit in it. It was thoroughly exciting.

I've never been in a room with both of my bosses and the Cool Aunt all present.

Of course with both LG & SW there came the usual argument about who's boss #1 and who's boss #2.

SuperWoman claims she's number one since she hired me first.

Always humorous when you get those two together. Throw in the Cool Aunt and about 30 other people and it was a party.

Nervewracking though to put all three of them together. There could be a lot of swapped CK stories.

Speaking of stories I heard a great one tonight but since the Library Goddess always calls "Vegas" on all the good stuff it can't leave the room.

All I can say is that it involved a boat, but don't worry there was no tiger on board.

I don't think I can see that movie. I read the book in college for a class and wasn't impressed enough to motivate me to see the movie.

But I can also say that about Moby Dick, and Of Mice and Men.

Along with many others I'm sure I'm forgetting. I am a English major so there were a lot.

They should make a movie about Dante's Inferno.

I would see that.

They made a video game which I may have to look into.

Anyway, so that was all fun but then on my way to the farmhouse from the apartment I noticed my tire pressure was super low but every gas station I stopped at to fill it up all had broken air pumps so I just kept getting more and more frustrated. Almost said screw it and was going to risk driving with it, but the boyfriend was the voice of reason and talked me through it. Though it still took me 4 pumps to find one that worked.

So that was suckish, but I stopped to see the boyfriend on the way home so all is well.

I'm sorry. I'll attempt to be more witty and charming next time. But I am dimmed and I shall spirit myself away so as not to stain those who live in the sun.

Kat Kinsman. Look it up.

Probably won't hear anything out of me tomorrow as I'll be staying with P Squared to do our New Years party early.

Throwback Thursday songs are still stuck in my head. Let's see if I can replace them.


Sister Golden Hair - America


Do Ya - Electric Light Orchestra




out.

Midnight, and I'm a-waiting on the twelve-oh-five

11-8

Tired.

Slept in but I'm just ready to go to bed.

I was kind of like that all day. This whole 40 hours thing is like a kick in the butt. I need some tang or something. I have green tea in my car. A whole pack of them actually, and it's funny because they've frozen and about froze my hand off this morning carrying one to work. It's cool, it's like a green tea slushie. Awesome.

Tomorrow should be interesting cause we have tech stuff in the morning and I have 2 meetings during the day about big kid stuff.

Cause I'm apparently one of those now.

Today I'm still Dirt. Tomorrow not so much. But we'll see where that goes. I'll explain more later.

So, I'm watching Leverage. Yes, again.

Third time for season one.

I did get season three today, and I'm debating on starting it, but I'll be missing a whole season. And who knows what happened in that finale. I don't want to kill it.

So I'll give it a couple more days.

I have other stuff to watch anyway.

Sparticus.

Fringe.

Crossing Jordan.

other random DVR'd stuff.

But once I'm stuck on one it's hard to move on. It's like Chuck all over again.

I'm on the last disc again.

12-Step Program. They're in a rehab. Why can't he just get sober! I guess that's part of the drama thing. Although in second season it's apparently supposed to happen. We'll see about that.

Really? The alarms go off when you open the windows, but not shoot open the electronic lock? That's a bummer.

"How did you break him?" *hears music over phone* "Nate, you took him out for tacos?!"

Alphabet Rec's

Okay, so my options were a bit limited on this one. X and Z should be interesting as well.

So, here's what I got.

Que Sera Sera - Doris Day

i listen to a lot of doris day, especially around christmas. but i blame all that on my aunt. she got me hooked on Calamity Jane. it was all downhill from there. or uphill. cause doris day is awesome. and that was her favorite movie to film.

Queen of Hearts - Juice Newton

she's pretty good live.

Oh, Body of Proof was new tonight. Maybe I'll watch that. Or the Closer. I need to have a marathon of that soon, now that it's back for a while. Especially since it's going to be done done soon. yes, done done. I'm sad. But there's a spinoff. So I guess it'll be okay. But not okay okay, cause Kyra will be gone. I'm wondering who will replace her. Hmm...Captain Raydor would be interesting...

Also, yes the cowboy boot pictures are up on Facebook, along with the 4th of july parade ones and 2G golfing of awesomeness. Perhaps I will post some on here...

OUT!

Make the lambs stop screaming!

Have you ever had one of those days where it's like everything is nonstop? Like my heart was racing the whole day. Was only at the one branch 2 hours this morning so I was racing the clock and still didn't get everything done, then at lunch I worked on homework frantically reading so I could get that done and didn't have to do it tonight, this afternoon while apparently slow for everyone else caused me nothing but stress - except at one point where in all her glory Superwoman showed up and commented on me relaxing. The one time I was actually sitting and checking email, everything else was nonstop. Which is good, she didn't see me all stressed and freaking out. Everything was a rush. Checking in in the back room cause no one else was doing it - there are still three carts left to deal with after I went through five others, then at close I was supposed to count money which I had totally forgotten since I was too busy putting out new books and checking people out at the desk. Thank god for Load man, he saved my butt. Yes, we are Lock and Load. Deal with it.

Then I came back to my car and found the window open which totally freaked me out. But it's fine. I guess. I probably hit a button or something.

Now I'm home and sped through the rest of my reading just to get started on the posting. But it's done! It's done! I'm done! for the week!! huzzah!! Posted and replied to three peoples even though no responses were required. But I'm a nerd like that.

Now I can like sit. And just like sit. And watch TV. But mostly just sit without my heart racing and me freaking out about homework/work stuff. See, this is why I like being subdirt. There's no real responsibility. I mean, other than what happens at work itself. You go, you do lists, you shelve, you're done. Mostly. I enjoy the subdirt. And then I was dirt at the other branch but now they decided to promote us all. Now we're topsoil.
I explained the dirt system to you earlier I believe, check this: My Life in Closed Captions: "Cause even after three text messages, four missed...

I'm just in one of those modes where it's like my brain won't stop. I'm at this point in the post and I've only been typing for less than a minute. Speed typing where you go back and finish the mistakes later. It's part of the English major thing. You get it all down on paper before you forget it or get distracted by something else. Or maybe that's just me.

But I'm good now. And breathing. Today was something to scrapbook. Let's leave it at that and move on.

Perhaps mellowed music will help. Well, that and SVU. Cause I got the 4th season through interlibrary loan. I love my job. But I'm pacing myself with Chuck. Cause the next DVD set doesn't come out 'til like October. I do this with most series I own. I don't watch the last disc until the next DVD is out, then I can watch them all together. Cliffhangers drive me bananas. But in a good way. But not a good enough way that if I have access to what happens after I'm hanging off the cliff that I'm not going to watch it. Did that make sense? Probably not. But it's the thought that counts. I think. That's a thought. Thinking is a thought. I need to stop typing.


Mellow music. Right. Okay, ipod shuffle says.......piano melodies


"Don't Know Why" Norah Jones

we listen to this between skits and worship sessions at camp. it's on our piano's demo reel. seriously. liz implemented it a few years ago and i stuck with it.


"A Thousand Miles" Vanessa Carlton

I WANNA RIDE A PIANO DOWN A HIGHWAY!! I actually just had this conversation with Pastor and Obi-Wan. Pastor just moved and they have this piano and were discussing how to move it to the other house. I said they should just push it across town. One person on each side and then one pushing on the back and then someone riding on top so they can tell them "more to the left" or "speed bump ahead" or "turn here". Think it'd be awesome.

also dig this one of hers:

"San Francisco" Vanessa Carlton


no idea what happened to either of these artists - haven't heard anything from them lately.


tomorrow i'm scheduled to be an aide the same time i'm scheduled to be an LA3. see, that just sounds weird to say. or type. LA3. i liked being an LA2. dirt man. dirt.
but i'll figure out the schedule tomorrow morning. for now i'm outta here. eat some supper and watch some SVU.

Way passed bananas...

and closing in on the Twilight Zone.

Oh the joys at work. We are up and running. Hooray! But that means checking in everything that we couldn't when we were down - which was multiple days - and learning all the new procedures as the day went on. I'm pretty sure I drove my supervisor nuts with all my questions. But they put me and my 'big brother' coworker in charge of the holds. And teaching the aides how to do them. And it's just funny, because I was teaching one of my favorites - he's hysterical and super smart - and he was asking all these questions that I had no idea the answers to! But with some help from a supervisor we figured it out. At 5 I basically ran for my life. And tomorrow I get to do it all again! This time at both branches, huzzah! But now I know what I'm doing - partially - so it's okay.

Quotes of the day:
-"This shirt is older than you are!"
my coworker, who I like to think is the ultimate true librarian, was wearing a 'barcode blues' shirt today which was something they got printed when we switched over to barcodes on books instead of cards in the back. and it was dated 1987.

-"Do I get a cute nickname?"
i think i busted out laughing at this question because he just doesn't seem like the kind of guy who uses the word 'cute' but yes, he needs a cute nickname. Oldest sister brought to my attention tonight that I am much like my dad in that respect - giving everyone nicknames - mine from him is Dude. I have no idea where that came from, I think that's cause I used to say it a lot. I'd share my siblings' but they'd kill me.

-"So is everyone driving you bananas with all their questions?"
-"Oh, I'm way passed bananas..."
This woman is totally my hero. She has been able to talk me through almost all of my questions on the new system - and the ones she can't are questions of her own. And she does all of this voluntarily which makes her even more awesome. I don't think I would be able to manage all this pressure but she seems to be doing it quite well. I think she would be the Sky in our Dirt system mentioned here: My Life in Closed Captions: "Cause even after three text messages, four missed... and in many previous posts.

Songs for the night
"Idiot Boyfriend" Jimmy Fallon

since people were digging the troll doll's post, here you go. i think this was the only other 'song' on the CD other than the Hammertime thing where he sang a bunch of 80s songs over a background of Can't Touch This.

"Need You Know" Glee

slowing it down a bit before I head off to bed. love this version.


think i'm gonna eat some frozen fruit, put on a movie and crash. have a good one.

"Cause even after three text messages, four missed calls you still..."

So, I have this doppelganger.
"Get a dictionary"

Which is handy if something bad happens and you need someone to blame it on. But also kind of sucks when people think you're them when you're actually not. Anyway, if you think you know me from pre-2010 and you aren't from my hometown, a member of my family, classmate or campmate then you probably don't. This makes things like parking garages awkward. No I don't know you. No I didn't go to that high school. While my short-term memory is crap (ask my non-school friends) my long-term actually doesn't suck.
I'm totally serious about this, and I know I have one because my high school classmate lived in the same dorm as her in college. She rides a bike which clearly screams Not me! since I haven't ridden a bike since Dad decided to steal my tire and use it as a turn-the-wheel game at the home and garden show like 8 years ago. Actually, I think he used the tire because I wasn't riding the bike, but I like my version better. I went away to high school! And college! When was I supposed to ride a bike? Plus, bikes, on gravel? Not as fun.

And yes that NCIS clip was necessary, I could have posted the entire episode "Doppelganger" from when Kate was still around but I figured that would be too long. It's a fantastic episode but this is from season three, when Jenny was alive and had long hair.


So, I'm watching Star Wars episode 5. Last night the Wordsmith and me ordered pizza and watched episode 4 - mostly because I wanted to watch out for the anecdotes Carrie Fisher talked about in her autobiography. So I have yet to watch Country Strong - "Gwyneth" word count = 1 "Those t-shirts would be so Gwyneth!" - Also because I can't remember how Leia figures out she and Luke are siblings. I'm a nerd but not like a total crazy obsessed nerd. I remember how Luke finds out he's Vader's son - duh - but not about Leia and Luke. I just remember her kissing him in beginning episode 5. Was she like, "That was so bad, he must be my brother." Which reminds me - I was at the dentist a couple months ago and the dentist was like, "So (insert brother's name) is your husband?" I believe my exact words were, "Um, gross." "Brother. Got it." My sister-in-law goes to a different dentist so I guess since we have the same last name it would sort of make sense? Gross.


More quotes from yesterday and today:
-"Bring your favorite painkiller." Sensei about the day we switch over to the new system. She's bringing donuts. I said I'd bring juice. It's going to be a long day.

-"Let's call him Bob."
-"It would more likely be Ug. Unless he was a pirate. Then he'd be Arg the Pirate Caveman." Conversation with fellow Star Wars fan I shall call him "Master" about inspiration. Everyone is inspired by someone else, unless of course you are a caveman who had no one before you to be inspired by.

-"What about Space Cadet #1 and Space Cadet #2?"
-"It should say Dirt and Subdirt."
-"Yes!" Bringing back the Dirt System! mentioned here My Life in Closed Captions: What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all ab... Basically, I have no power so I'm below dirt. Subdirt. LA2's (aka Space Cadet, Queen of Awesome and Joe Studley) are Dirt. Glee-loving boss is Grass. Sensei is Trees (although she would prefer a flowery shrub). Superwoman is the clouds. Assistant BBB is the Moon. And Boss's Boss's Boss is the Sun.
Anyway, we were talking about the names on the back of our matching t-shirts for inservice day. I still think it would be awesome. Totally Gwyneth! WC=2


Never Shout Never - "CheaterCheaterBestFriendEater"


Ram Jam - "Black Betty"

In celebration of awesome classic music for 69 cents on itunes. Hooray! I especially like the guy next to the drums whose only job it seems is to clap and dance like an idiot.

Ha! there's this episode of Ace of Cakes where they're talking about the Millennium Falcon inside the asteroid. "If you think you're in a giant worm, shoot the ground!" That's where I'm at now. And, okay, some time between episode 3 and episode 5 Yoda went bonkers.

If you can't work this equation then I guess I'll have to show you the door.

Slept in 'til 12 today. Was freakin' awesome. And shocking since Dad thinks sleeping in is 8AM. Which it's not, btw. But he was in his room napping and watching TV so I got to sleep in while Mom was in town.
Now I'm back at my apartment with the feeling that tomorrow is going to be nonstop since I work in the morning and at night and between the shifts I need need need to get my homework done. Like done done. Not like planned out done like I have right now. Although I'm still choosing between peer libraries to compare our policy against. And our policy seems pretty strong so I'm having trouble finding a weak point. Maybe my coworkers will have suggestions or ideas. They're all super smart.
Yet another place where I feel a bit like comic relief. Although my favorite patron says that I'm apparently a media expert because I was able to name a movie by just a slight description even though he searched for hours in our catalogue just to find it. My brother says that too. A couple of years ago we went to see this Mark Wahlberg movie "Max Payne" which you've probably never heard of but on the way back in the car he was rambling on about this movie that he couldn't think of the title but that it had came out the year before and it was just a one word title. I asked if it was "Traitor" and he was shocked. Said the same thing Favorite Patron said. So I've got something going for me if this whole library thing falls through.
That's another thing people keep asking me about is the library thing. I like both my jobs. I'm getting the degree because I want it and I think it's the smart thing to do. I like my class and my classmates so I don't mind it but everyone is all asking me what I'm going to do with the degree. Nothing. I don't want to be a supervisor. Sometimes I enjoy being just comic relief. Like Space Cadet says, you don't have to take anything home, once you leave work you leave work. Then just have to show up the next day. Although that was the same conversation where she called me dirt. Or no, she's dirt, I'm below dirt, "mining for minerals" because I have no power. But now I get to call her on it all the time. "She called me dirt!"

And we're done with the chicken fried rice (Friends), moving on.

"Say You'll Be There" by the Spice Girls

Here's your pop, gets stuck in your head all day song as promised.
I have no idea what's going on in this video either but at least it's not morbid with corpses and caskets. I do enjoy Emma's random surgical looking gloves though.

"I'll give you everything on this I swear just promise you'll always be there!"

What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about?

Like really? What would that say about life?

Hooray for a split shift! Went in twice and spent the time between writing. Which I miss immensely. But working in public service is always good for inspiration and humor.
Got to work with Space Cadet again tonight. She called me dirt. Then said I'm below dirt, mining for minerals. It's not as bad as it sounds when it's in context of what we were talking about, but out of context is what I gave her crap for. It's funny because two days ago she called me her kid - we matched with like the same color green shirts jeans and red hair as did the QofA we should have taken a group picture - then earlier tonight she called me a wizkid and then like ten minutes later I was dirt. But it's worth it cause now I get to say "She called me dirt...." in a sad voice every time I see her.

The song of the day I listened to repeatedly while writing more adventures of Sketch and Edit. It's like relaxing, I love the deep voice. It zenned me out. So I'm posting it. This one came out last year. He's probably wildly popular - like I said, I don't listen to the radio - but I do enjoy this song.

Lover, Lover by Jerrod Niemann