"I've had marriages shorter than that story." Okay Jack, I'll try to keep it simple.
I've had the pleasure of working at two public libraries for over a year now, add that to my very amusing family, hysterical friends and crazy imagination and you get hours of entertainment.
So, without any further ado you get,
Quotes of the Year:
ps- there were far too many so the other half comes tomorrow.
Things overheard at the library:
Fearless Leader: *holding up a copy of Legally Blonde the Musical* THIS is why I hate musicals!
Trainee: "It's like, what's that mean? and then Why are you reading my ass?" about the shorts with words on them.
Me: “He says I deserve a pizza.”
Superwoman: “Crap.” ha!
Slim Shady: “Magnet, Magnet, Magnet…” i attract all the crazies.
Coworker at Staff Inservice: “There’s no crying in Koha.”
Creeper: “Likes ass or jazz” what are you supposed to say when someone hands you a note with their name and that on it? Seriously? Thanks, but no.
Me after hitting button in car and it asked for a command: "What the hell?"
Jarvis my car: "To call hell say dial."
...
Glee-Loving Boss: "Did a creepy guy with a deep voice answer?"
Slim Shady: "They say it's a psychological thriller. I want to know what that means in the context of ballerinas." About Black Swan
Me: "That'll be me in 40 years."
Space Cadet: “But you'll use your inside voice...unless you're too deaf to hear it." She says that my hearing at 35 will be her hearing at 70 since I blast music in my headphones.
Koha Queen: "I'm way passed bananas."
Girlscout: "My orca is gonna attack your porpoise!" summer reading program water guns were sea animal-shaped
Super Librarian Status: "You have a lot to live up to. Just don’t throw cranky customers across the room." about my nickname Pippi cause of my hat
Reference Queen: "This shirt is older than you are." Barcode Blues
Superwoman: “Are you free tonight? Do you need to ask your mother?” geez, you forget about one family gathering.
Coworker: “Don’t run in the library.”
Kid: “I’m jogging” and keeps running.
Me: “Was it Patience or Fortitude?”
Slim Shady: “I think it was Patience.”
Me: “You don’t know do you?”
Slim Shady: “No idea.” take a picture in front of the lions
Sam the Man: “Jam hands bring nothing but pain.” joy
Family:
Me: "It's like, I'm surrounded by books all day. The last thing I want to do when I get home is read."
Second Sister the pharmacist: "Well, I don't come home and do drugs."
Bubby: “Can I do it to Mandy?”
Me: “No.”
Bubby: “Can you do it to Mandy?” oh sibling love.
Oldest Sister: "Give me a piece of that gum, you didn't tell me it was enjoyable!"
Rick: "Spontaneous combustion is pretty awesome unless it happens to you." Apples to Apples
Oldest Sister: “Picture ‘I can’t run anymore I’m gonna puke!’ and then running the next few steps.”
Oldest Sister: “They didn’t punch a hole, they punched a crawl space.”
Oldest Sister: “Get your head out of your purse.”
Squirt: “It smells good in here.”
Teina: “How do you spell Eminem?”
Rick: “It’s on the candies.”
Me: “You get the jerky, I’ll get the nuts.” christmas shopping
Aunt Hay-Hay: “We ordered an ostrich and they had to go out and find one.” order took longer than anyone else's
Dad: “You were good, you didn’t fight with anyone.”
Mom: “That’s because she didn’t have anyone to fight with. You would have if she did.” Thanks mom.
Mom: “Is it Apples to Apples or Apples to Oranges?”
Second Sister: “It’s an appropriate amount of freakage.” About my level of sanity after I was told about dad in the hospital. Knew it was serious business when both Oldest and Second Sisters called me at work within five minutes of each other.
Mark: “I used to say ‘oh pigeons’ it’s appropriate cause they’re annoying as crap.”
Squirt: “Lock him in the closet with a piece of cheese and a glass of water.”
Mark: “We’ll split the trains four ways. Carrie can have the beer mugs.”
Second Sister: “I want the Corve.”
Me: “Can I have the Bird?”
Mark: “Yes, we’ll flip you the bird.”
Mom: “You get $2500 when you die.”
Me: “What am I supposed to do with it?”
Mom: “Bury yourself.”
Mom: “Get that on! I don’t wanna see you hanging out!”
Me: “The doors are closed!” a seatbelt, she’s talking about a seatbelt.
Justin: “Put on some music. It’ll make her look less crazy.”
Liz: “I will murder you at my wedding. I’m not above that.” about showing a video of her singing and dancing
Justin: “If he made it old dirty underwear in a dump no one would ever look for that. Best Horcrux ever.” harry potter
Oldest Sister: "Did you just turn that down with your butt?"
Me: "Yes, my butt has magic powers."
Oldest Sister: "That's fantastic."
Me: "My butt or the magic powers?" remote control
Me to Creepy Stalker Date: “That’s not love, that’s not even like! That’s nausea-inducing, frustration anxiety psychosis!”
Oldest Sister: "I'm related to that one."
Me: "She's my older sister."
Josh: "You're very strong."
Oldest Sister: "So you've met my family."
Josh: "Just that one."
Dad about Mom: "You're the second biggest blab around."
Me: "Does that make you the first?"
Sarah: "Did you swear in text form?"
Me: "Is that like the Splenda of salt?"
Squirt: "You stole my happy!"
Dad: "And! If that fails! We'll put Mom out there with a shotgun!" he was determined to keep the racoons away from the corn.
Mom: "Tell him he's wonderful for staying to work on that so late. Oh, and you're great too."
Me: "Thanks Mom."
thanks mom.
Me about The Closer: "Should we watch last week's?"
Mom: "Sure, I watched it already." *shows starts and literally 30 seconds later she bombards me with questions about what's happening*
Me: "I thought you said you saw this one."
Mom: "I forgot it already."
Me: “You learn that at pharmacy school?”
Dad: “Oh god, not pizza again.”
Mom: “We don’t want old chicken.”
Oldest Sister: “I’m sorry creepers were taking pictures of your butt.”
Cool Aunt at the College World Series: “Just sitting here, enjoying my hummus.” yeah, they seriously had hummus.
Me: “You’re the Tar to my Heels.”
more tomorrow.
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