Camp J 2011 Highlights

prepare for a massively massive post. gone for a week but coming back with a vengeance.
DAY ONE:
-The Sideways Hat Theory
::: So, I have this theory. I call it the sideways hat theory. It goes something like this. I’m the boss. Well, me, Jim and Pastor, plus Phil, Liz, Jayne, Cantrell, Steve and Cherie. Those are all the section leaders. But I handled all the registrations, assignments, schedule, ordering stuff – my name is on everything they send in and everything that goes out. So, everyone associates camp with me. But! When they all show up and I wear my hat backwards and slightly sideways they walk straight past me because I look like a Junior Counselor. It’s awesome because they go to someone else with their problems…but then of course the adults they go to then come to me so I’m screwed anyway.
-“Get my Cantrell on”
::: Night patrol sucks. I didn’t realize that before I had to do it. People don’t give our usual guy enough credit. Seriously. Those 3rd graders kicked my butt. I couldn’t believe it. They were up later than the 8th graders. It was crazy, every time I walked by I was all “It’s passed lights out. Go to bed.” “We can’t sleep!” Try it anyway. Okay. So they would try. Then I’d walk by again a few minutes later and they were waving around glow sticks and laughing. Go to bed! “We can’t sleep!” “Close your eyes and count to 100.” Okay. So then they’d try that. Yeah, no. I wanted to yell Go to bed!! I want to shower and go to sleep!! Ahhh!! It was amusing though to sneak up to cabins and join in their conversations. They jumped.
-“Looks like I have junk”
::: The teen helpers this year rocked it. I was proud. Which is new, cause last year they were awful. Well, some of them anyway. My skits and worship crew was fantastic - got the kids to sing, played guitar, helped with skits. I was proud. And the teens are really funny. Especially when you get them all together to sing Pharaoh Pharaoh. It gets pretty intense. Got myself a new ringtone.
-I live my life behind the tab.
::: We have these songbooks with all of our music in them. The sacred songs are in the front and then there are silly songs in the back behind the tab. Everything is in alphabetical order but there’s a tab to separate the sacred from the silly. I like to think I live my life behind the tab, amongst the not so serious. That way I can jam out with My Bonnie, Catalina Madalina, and Three Myopic Rodents, argue about holes in buckets, and repeat after myself with The Bear Song all day long. Which is what I did this week at work while shelving. Well, that one and HeeHaw. Which I’ll get to shortly.

DAY TWO:
-Take ‘em to the bridge
::: Timberlake style. Saturday means taking the kids tubing down the river. It’s not the safest river but it’s fun. Steve and I took the front, checking for danger in the water and all that. Yes, danger in the water. “This was no boating accident!” There’s a lot of cars down there, and trees and metal and all that sticking out of the water. We start just right outside the gate where there is a bridge and we go past one bridge and to the second one to be picked up. It usually takes a couple hours to float all the way there but this time the water was pretty high so the current took us there in about an hour and a half.
-“This is about the time when Phil said there’s no water”
::: Last year the pipes got clogged and we didn’t have water for a few days. And, with all the timing, it started right when we got back from tubing so no one could shower and it was just disgusting. This year we were pulling in and Steve had brought up that last year this is when we learned about all that. And then Phil stepped into the bus and we all held our breath. I was like, “Steve! If he says there’s no water I’m blaming it on you!” Last year we hosed down a bunch of kids with an actual garden hose. Then told them to jump in the pool. Which, in turn, made the pool disgusting. One of many reasons why I chose not to swim in it. Which leads me to my next tidbit.
-“It stings and I know why!!”
::: There’s this line in Will and Grace that Karen says when she goes to one of her Step-Kids’ swim meets. “A public pool?! Why doesn’t somebody just pee directly on me?!” That one sticks with me, which is why I’m not so much into swimming anymore. This particular line came from one of the teen helpers about kids in the pool and when your eyes start to sting from the water. It’s not the chlorine.
-“Where’s your lost and found?”
::: It’s amazing what someone can find under a cone on the game field here at camp. One of our game helpers found a pair of boys’ underwear and it was funny because she carries them all the way up to the cafeteria holding on to as little a piece of them as possible, brings them to me and asks where the lost and found was. Then, with her perfect timing, the nurse was there and asked “Somebody lose their skivvies?” It was hilarious. I told her to put them on the table against the wall, that’s usually where our lost and found starts before it gets moved outside. Then the nurse was like, “Don’t put them there! I deal meds there!” I think it’s one of those things that you had to be there for but it was hysterical.
-Gracebook: God would friend you
::: Every year at camp we discuss possible future camp themes. Everyone keeps dissing my idea of Brokeback Camp J – which is probably not a good theme but I’ve been joking about it ever since the movie came out. Usually we throw out a bunch of weird ones when we’re writing the awards. This year, because it’s so hot, we decided to skip the awards all together and just go with the skits. That way it was over sooner. The possible theme for next year is The Ultimate Transformer. Liz already has some ideas rolling around for her song. But Pastor had also suggested Gracebook instead of Facebook – God’s Social Network or something like that. I found it amusing. But the t-shirts would be cool. We like to keep them related to TV shows, movies, music – that way the kids can tie them to them. Like this year it was Jesus is my Guiding Light so there was a lot of soap opera drama – even the kitchen help did a skit at the campfire – year before that it was Extreme Makeover: God’s Edition, few years before that it was Survivor in Christ based on the Survivor show, we’ve also done Fear Factor, and Mission Possible – not impossible, possible….and many others. But it’s cool to have that tie-in so the kids are excited about it.
- “I can’t believe I turned around for that”
::: Ever since we did the theme “Survivor in Christ” like 5-6 years ago, maybe more, we have all the cabins come up with their own cabin cheer. Some of them are really original, some of them not so much. I guess it depends on your perspective. If you’re a 5th grade boy and don’t like campfire, singing, or cheers, watching the 7th grade girls form a line and spell dynamite wrong probably isn’t all that appealing. Not that he noticed you spell it with an A and not an O. We did. Whatever. The point was that there were so many of the 7th grade girls that we didn’t have space enough for them to spread out to do their cheer so we made everyone turn around on their benches to see them do it in the back where there was more room. Long story short he was not a fan.

DAY THREE:
-And *pbbb* You Was Gone.
::: Sunday’s events always include breakfast, camp cleanup, church service and the skits right after it. I give the kids the skits when they get stuck with us for an hour during the day when they make their rounds. We go over the songs and then the skits then we kick them out for their next period. But, in the case for the 7th/8th boys and 8th grade girls their skit was a song. And not just any song. Oh yeah. It was The song. You know the one I’m talking about. The one I’ve been talking about for a few weeks now. Posting and reposting the video. Singing while I’m shelving. Driving everyone nuts with it. That’s right. HeeHaw. Yes, I made them do HeeHaw. I’ve reached the ultimate low. But they loved it. As did the parents. Of course in my intro I had to tell them how I heard about the skit in the first place and blamed it all on my dad and his DVR. But the parents loved the whole thing and requested for it to be an annual thing. Guess I’ll be writing more verses. Originally we were going to make them sing one verse then have one grade perform their skits, then have them be an interlude then move up to the next grade, lather, rinse, repeat but, me being as unorganized as I am, totally forgot. So, we just made them do it all at the end. It was a battle royale. Girls vs. Boys. Girls sang one verse and the refrain and the boys answered with a different verse and refrain. I think I ended with about 6 verses. And on the last one the boys sang the verse and we all joined in on the refrain, yelling it in each other’s faces. I’ll have to upload the video. We got the last one on tape. Hysterical.
-“Jansen!”
::: So, we were making our usual teen camp grocery run on Sunday afternoon after the teens had started to arrive. We planned on getting food for supper plus supplies for Monday at least. It’s ridiculous how much food 29 teens go through in a couple of days. So, we’re driving and we see all these clothes and a towel on the gravel. It looked like they had fallen off the top of someone’s car. Turns out they had fallen out the back. We pulled on to the highway and saw one of our helpers stranded on the side. His fuel pump went out. Jim lent him his phone and he called his mom. And this guy is over 60 so his mom is probably pretty far up there. Anyway, she was apparently hard of hearing, so he had to repeat things about 20 times, getting louder each time. We tried not to laugh, but when you’re in this weather and you’re miserable, even the tiniest things can be hysterical. I swear we heard the word JANSEN!!! in that phone call more than most southern Nebraskan’s have in their entire life. We ended up just towing him back home, then coming back and going grocery shopping. It didn’t take too much longer. I fell asleep after playing Angry Birds. Jim claims that I slept-talked about evil green pigs. There was a lot of yelling the following words throughout camp because of this incident: “Jansen.” “Rock Creek Station.” “Jansen!” “PFD Road” “JANSEN!” “I’m between Steele City and Endicott!” “JANSEN!!!”
-Ben’s Little Blue Slew
::: Turns out that teens will eat or drink anything. Even if it looks like the color of the river they went tubing on. Tang + raspberry lemonade + grape juice = A disgusting looking dirty river-colored drink. It was surprisingly delightful. I think that’s true for a lot of things at camp though. Everything tastes better at camp. Like, I hate Gatorade. I can’t stand it. Especially that fruit punch crap. I have no idea why. But at camp, it’s awesome. Maybe it’s because we’re so hungry and we’re so thirsty so, because it’s sustenance, it’s perfection. But it’s gotta be something more. I mean, at teen camp we’re spoiled. Steaks, burgers, pizza, tacos, fancy breakfast stuff. Much better than I eat at my apartment.
-Chickens In The Sandbox
::: One of the other counselors here was talking about her chickens. They live in town but her daughter talked her into buying chickens. So they keep them in their backyard in their old jungle gym thing. You know where you got like the two levels with the sandbox on bottom then the slide and the triangle roof and all that. Yeah, her kids weren’t using it anymore so they put boards around the sandbox, took the ladder and put it sideways and they love it. And apparently chickens aren’t actually chicken. In the scared sense of the word. They chase right after you. Then try to come in the house after the dogs do. But, of course they’re not allowed in so they end up tapping the glass door with their beaks while the dogs stare at them through it. Reminds me of Carter when we’re at the farm in the winter. He looks out at the outdoor cats and says, “Haha, I’m inside in the warm and you’re out in the snow. Look at me, all nice and warm. I shall walk back and forth in front of this window strutting and bragging because I’m so cool and you’re just cold.” Okay, so he doesn’t actually say that…out loud. But I swear that’s what he’s thinking. Just like right now when he’s staring at me like, “Why aren’t you feeding me? You left me alone with your sister for a week and she just laughed at how fat I am and made fun of the bullseye on my side. She thinks I want to eat her. I wouldn’t have to if she feeds me more. Talk to her. Tell her I need more food. And treats. I like treats.” I need to stop using the Garfield/Carter voice, it’s freaking me out. “PS – she stole your DVD and made fun of your Marshmallow Mateys. She didn’t listen when I tried to tell her that Second Sister talked you into buying them.”
-Do you have a concussion?
::: Sometimes you do have to worry about teens in the pool. You know when they hit their head on the side and one of them says, “Do you have a concussion? Quick what number am I thinking of?” When the one who hit her head replies with “Pizza” it’s time to get out of the pool. Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water… Well, there’s that and one of them wearing 2 right shoes tubing down the river. But it was her mom that packed them.
-the Thing and the Thing
::: So, Sketch and I have this thing. Where we’ve been friends for so long that we know what each other is thinking. We call it “the Thing and the Thing”. Because that’s what it is. Sometimes it’s really amusing. Especially when you live thousands of miles apart, haven’t talked in days and decide to text each other at the exact same minute. Apparently we can only be apart for so long.
-You’ll shoot your eye out!
::: I’m in a quandary. Ken gave me a slingshot. A homemade one. With a lead bullet. Mine is red. He gave Jim a black one. The quandary is that if I shoot it inside I’ll break something but if I shoot it outside I’ll lose my bullet. But I want to shoot it. I’m glad I got the red one. When he was showing Jim how to shoot the black one the rubber band came off and hit him in the face. These can apparently shoot through a deck of cards.
-Everybody Loves Jim
::: More quandaries. I have two ideas for this year’s song. Either I rewrite “Everybody Loves Me” by OneRepublic to “Everybody Loves Jim” cause I keep telling him it’s his theme song or I take “Sitting, Waiting, Wishing” by Jack Johnson and stick in my camp highlights like always. I’m leaning toward the latter. And I’ll make “Everybody Loves Jim” an ongoing project. "And he shall be called, Wonderful Counselor, Mighty Electronic Wizard, Everlasting Chef, Prince of Camp." He and I are stuck with camp for all of eternity. Or so we’ve been told. Maybe I’ll scrap them both and rewrite “16 Military Wives” by the Decemberists. I’m hooked on that freaking song. – I wrote this one earlier, I started with the Jack Johnson one and have made progress but nothing final. It’s harder to write a parody by yourself when you’re used to having your Delayed…Reaction partner helping you. He chose to get engaged this weekend instead. Which is probably a better choice, considering we’re all crazy and it was super hot outside.
-Everlasting HeeHaw on the wall
::: Every year at teen camp we watch movies on the wall. And it’s tradition that at least one of them is cheesy. So, when Ken brought me a copy of the 10th Anniversary of HeeHaw filmed in 1978 I couldn’t say no. Especially after putting everybody through that skit. Oh. My. God. I thought that thing was never ending. And now, I’m gonna have to buy it online for Dad because I know he’d love it cause it’s filled with all these musical performances and their best skits and all that. And he’s gonna make me watch it with him. Again. Crap. Just reminds me of Roseanne Roseannadanna. “and I thought I was gonna die!”
-Oreos on my stomach
::: Yes, on my stomach. See, I’m the cool aunt. I stuff my nieces with oreos and send them to bed. But that only works when there aren’t 100 other kids around. It causes stampedes. So when they came toward me I shoved the box under my shirt. And it just looked like I had swallowed the box whole. Claire just kept laughing and couldn’t stop. Then she punched me in the stomach and it was hilarious cause you could hear the crunch. The kids looked over and I made her stand in front of me. “What was that?” “Nothing. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
-It’s official. I’m old.
::: Oh my god, so Noel and I were playing Apples to Apples with all the kids – we started it actually and they joined in, but it was awful because there’s such a generation gap. References/People the kids didn’t know: Austin Powers, Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson, Casablanca, Mahatma Gandhi, Georgia O’Keefe, …. See, I’m only 23. And with my daily routine that puts me as usually the youngest at what I’m doing – directing camps, working at the desk, etc. So it’s weird for me to actually have to explain something to a younger generation while feeling totally sad that they’ve missed out on life.
-Freaking Spiders.
::: I’m covered in bites. At first I thought they were all mosquito bites. Now that one on my foot has made my ankle swell to twice its size they say it’s an allergic reaction to something – possibly a spider. Maybe it was Aragog and his children. Don’t they live in the woods? or the Forbidden Forest. Our woods were filled with poison ivy, that makes them forbidden, right?

DAY FOUR:
-Tubing down the Little Blue
::: I stayed back while the kids went tubing. I was exhausted, plus my foot was all swelled and I didn’t want to have to walk down a river after the water had dropped a foot dragging my ankle through all the gross. I worked on the song. And watched Warehouse 13. Cause I’m awesome like that.
-The Slow Clap
::: Another theme at camp is somehow we always end up slow clapping someone. This time it was slow clapping a song. We sang Awesome God at campfire and he was playing it a little slower than what we’re used to so we were clapping and it was like super super long time between claps. Abnormal even. So Bailey and I were like “Screw it! Double Time!” Fixed it.
-“Woops, shouldn’t dance to that.”
::: A lot of our songs have actions, especially the sacred ones. There’s a lot of crosses and lifting your arms up and clapping and all that. Our favorite one to dance to is Pharaoh Pharoah. Or King Jesus is All. But sometimes we get really into it and dance to the others. Even when it’s on a somber note. So, when you’re leading, and end up dancing to a line that goes something like, “There in the ground his body lay” you should probably tone it down a little.
-More teen help hysteria
::: So, one of the kids has those round glasses like Harry Potter and a girl was trying to ask him if he got those glasses because he was a Harry Potter fan. But she didn’t word it correctly and even though we/he knew what she meant his reply was, “No, I got them because I have bad eyesight.” This was in the middle of a game of Apples to Apples – yet again, as that’s basically the only board game we play. Even though it isn’t technically a board game because it’s just cards and no board. Well, the played Twister too. Which, again, not a board game.
-Cosmo’s War of the Planets
::: A few years ago Jim and I went to town and bought a load of cheesy movies for a dollar at Walmart. One of them had 4 movies on a single disc and they were all about alien invasions and encounters in outer space. The best out of all the four was called Cosmo’s “War of the Planets”. The plot is confusing, the characters are conflicting – even their names change halfway through the movie – the sound effects are non-existent and the music is far too loud. But, the movie is so cheesy that it’s fantastic. And it came out the same year as Star Wars so it really had no chance. We were thinking that the filmmakers of this one went to see Star Wars after they made theirs and said, “Well crap.” There were a lot more kids that watched it this year – usually it’s just the adults and the kids play Capture the Flag. That’s hardcore intensity in a game. Pure darkness. They get pretty into it. We only made it halfway through the movie before it was lights out.

DAY FIVE:
-Take me out to the Bowl Yard.
::: Every year we take the teens bowling. Mostly because it’s hot and after we added that extra day we ran out of organized activities to do with them. Anyway, we have to call ahead to reserve the place and we took up all but one lane. Mass hysteria. Every year we have our usual group bowl together but this year I was not only out Boggs, Martha and Cory I also lost Megz and Beth aka Boomer and Chickenfro so it was just me and Jim as the usuals. Plus Beck and Giggles aka Heidie who we bowled with last year. Yes we all have nicknames. Jim is Obi-Wan, Josh is Badger, and I’m Maynard. They originated the first year and we’ve stuck with them. I think Scuba Steve bowled with us last year too. But we try to keep the adults together, that way we give the kids a chance. HA! I sucked it up, majorly. I got like 1 strike in 3 games plus some spares. Or no, wait, was it four games? We stayed longer cause it was so hot outside and nice and cool in there. Whatever, my point is that I haven’t always sucked. In high school we did a section on it for P.E. and went bowling to learn how to keep score manually. I bowled a turkey aka three strikes in a row and got a high five from Tutor Hahm who was the teacher and not actually a Tutor or one of our teachers anymore either. After my Sophomore year he became Mr. Hahm. Now he’s Mr. Hahm and far far away… yet we still call him Tutor Hahm. It’s one of those things, you meet him that way as a Freshman and the name sticks. Plus bowling with us means the return of the slow clap. Last year we figured out that it doesn't matter how good you are - if we slow clap you you'll get a gutter ball. My favorite line from last year: "We won't judge you. We may slow clap you, but we won't judge you." That was one of mine.
-Thank you for calling Salty Dog Escort Service – I’ll have the extra salty please.
::: So, we went to Walmart to get soda pop after ordering 10 pizzas from Pizza Hut. Then picked up the pizzas and realized that wasn’t enough for over 30 people, especially with how many boys were there, so we ran back to Walmart and had perfect timing cause – okay, you know when you see someone who clearly just doesn’t blend in or look like they belong there. Like, one of these things is not like the other? Walmart in Nebraska is filled with hicks with redneck tans. This chick was about 6 foot with her black stilletos and skirt that was about 10 inches too short. And I’m of course with two older guys who just couldn’t stop laughing and making jokes about an escort service. “Where do you want to go?” “Well, let’s start at Walmart and go from there.” There isn’t a lot of options in that town. Other than Ray’s Apple Market and some bar called Wally’s. I just remember commenting on her and something about inches and Obi-Wan replied “Not every inch! Why would anyone want every inch of that?!”
-So close yet so far…
::: And a Budweiser plant. Which is just out of our reach and haunts our dreams. Not that we’d be stupid enough to bring alcohol to camp. We already had to call in the cops on our kids once. That was not a fun year. But it made for a good coming back to school story. “What’d you do this summer?” “Got a job, went swimming, taught VBS. What about you?” “Oh you know, directed a kids camp, caught them with alcohol, stayed up the whole night interviewing kids and decided to call the cops around 4AM who then showed up with their K9 unit and tore apart one of the cabins. Then got to hang out with the Sheriff while they searched the grounds. You know, the usual.”
-The Impossible Bedbugs vs. the Unstoppable Squiters
::: We try to play softball every year and make the teams semi-even. It was crazy this year though because we had the better team yet we kept getting smoked and 5-runned. BUT! We caught up! We were down by like 12, held them and were within 3 with the bases loaded and 2 out. Didn’t turn out in our favor but it was fun. I was stoked Scuba Steve and I got to be on the same team. That rarely happens.
-Impromptu Dance Party
::: So, a few years ago when we were talking about things to do with the teens someone suggested having a dance, to which another person replied, that would be lame. Which, it would be. If it was scheduled and planned. However, if someone happened to be playing music on their laptop while they waited for certain adults to come out and finish Cosmo’s with her and others surrounding her said, play some NSYNC and she just happened to have some, an impromptu dance party might take place. And it did. For half an hour. With my music. And Bailey’s ipod for Party in the USA. Another age gap thing I think. Miley Cyrus isn’t my strongpoint.
-Cosmo’s War of the Planets take two
::: Finished the Cosmo’s. Did I mention we watch it every year since we’ve bought it. It’s hysterical. Even though it’s not supposed to be. So finished that and then watched Clue. Which is another tradition. Those are basically the two movies we watch. Plus a serious one if we have time. The first night we decided to watch HeeHaw instead.

DAY SIX:
-I hate mornings.
::: Breakfast at 8:30, then camp cleanup, packing up the trailer and closing service all done before 12:30. Shock. Usually we’re there ‘til at least 2. Church was fun, Hillman is a great speaker and we sang more than anything else. The teens this year were very impressive voice-wise. Josh was loving it. We ended with King Jesus is All – actions included “Weeellllll….” – followed closely by Someday. Which the kids soon learned is not my favorite song after singing for 5 days straight. My voice is shot. Completely. And that’s high soprano stuff. Never-ending high soprano stuff. It sucks. But the song is great. Another fun ringtone. I enjoy leading it, lots of clapping and all that. It’s semi-dorky but sounds totally awesome.
-Stumbling Isn’t Falling
::: That may be, but why would you use that as a slogan for a chiropractor clinic? It’s interesting the buildings you pass by in small towns. I love the historic buildings, they’re so pretty. Small towns are so cool. I miss small town life/farm life. You could see the stars. Camp was awesome cause the skies were clear at night. Wish I had a camera that could take actual pictures of stars, not just pitch black screens. The drive back went okay – and of course we had to stop for McDonalds as is tradition. Me, Scuba Steve and Obi-Wan go every year. Sit in practically the same booth and get basically the same thing. Except this year I went for the chicken selects over the hamburger. All in all it was a good year. Nobody had to go home from homesickness, nobody got majorly injured, we didn’t have to call the cops… And! Guess what I got to drive through on my way back home….. JANSEN!!

The song that started it all: "Pop" NSync

aka the impromptu dance party. it started here, went to backstreet boys, spice girls, bieber, miley, cupid shuffle, etc etc etc ended with the cha cha slide. this is my favorite of their videos. yes i was a fan. get over it.

The song to end all songs: "Where Oh Where" HeeHaw

was super proud of my 7th and 8th graders for pulling this off. now just gotta write more verses for next year.