Sketch and Edit Watch a Movie

Okay, this one was inspired by a friend of mine in college. She gave a speech about Disney and some of the things she said sort of stuck with me. It seems a little like a rant but it's funny. Which, I guess, most of my rants are kind of funny - ask Sketch - so it goes right along with the rest of them.
I'm posting it now because Space Cadet and I just had a conversation tonight about Disney movies and since I really have nothing else to talk about - other than Mom visiting again and taking me and my sister out to Noodles, awesome - I'm just gonna post this, watch some more Burn Notice and then crash.
Also, people actually read this blog? Note to self: be more witty and charming in the future.


Sketch and Edit Watch a Movie

E – “Disney movies are never as magical once you’re old enough to understand what’s going on.”
S – “What do you mean?”
E – “Well, Snow White lived in the middle of the woods with seven men. What sane women would want to do that? Plus one of them was on drugs. Is that even allowed on the Disney channel?”
S – “Dopey was dumb, not on drugs.”
E – “You don’t know that. Look, he can’t even walk in a straight line.”
S – “Give me another example.”
E – “Okay, Prince Whatever kissed a dead girl.”
S – “Sleeping Beauty was not dead, she was asleep.”
E – “That’s not who I was talking about but that’s gross too. Snow White was dead and Prince What’s-his-name kissed her. But yeah, What’s-his-name kissed Sleeping Beauty after she had been asleep for like hundreds of years.”
S – “Phillip.”
E – “That’s still gross, can you imagine the morning breath? And how was she living after all those years anyway without food or water…or going to the bathroom?! That bed would be disgusting.”
S – “Disney is magic. You’re being too literal.”
E – “Another thing, why are all of the main characters an only child?”
S – “Really? I never noticed that.”
E – “Yeah, Aladdin, Belle, Snow White, Aurora, and the bulk of them have single parents.”
S – “Like who?”
E – “Cinderella, Belle, Ariel… I just don’t get her.”
S – “Ariel?”
E – “Yeah, what’s appealing about someone who has to swim around all day in algae? She’s just shells and big hair - which is another thing.”
S – “What?”
E – “Why do they all look like Barbie? And why do they wear practically nothing?”
S – “Because they all look like Barbie?”
E – “And why are they all in their teens?”
S – “Maybe they feel that the children who are watching the movies won’t identify with older characters.”
E – “Is that why they make all the older people bad guys?”
S – “Who?”
E – “Ursula, Cruella, the Queen, the evil stepmother… You know who my favorite villain was?”
S – “Who?”
E – “Maleficent.”
S – “You just like her because you played her in Briar Rose.”
E – “Because she’s fabulous, with all the black and the purple and she could turn into a dragon.”
S – “Lovely.”
E – “Uber-fabulous, you know who else was fabulous?”
S – “Your mom?”
E – “Cruella De Ville.”
S – “You only like her because she was based on Tallulah Bankhead.”
E – “What’s wrong with that? She was rich and powerful and had hired henchmen. It’s the only way to live.”
S – “She was also terrible and tried to kill a bunch of dogs just for a coat.”
E – “Yeah, dead puppies aren’t much fun. You know who I never really got?”
S – “Who’s that?”
E – “Peter Pan, he’s this weird adolescent boy who flies around in green tights. Plus his best friend is a fairy. What does that say about teen boys?”
S – “You’re being too literal, but you know what else is messed up?”
E – “What’s that?”
S – “The men in Moulin. They’re always running around without their shirts in the snow.”
E – “It shows off their masculinity. That one is your favorite, right?”
S – “Yep.”
E – “I liked the Sword and the Stone, totally underrated and hilarious, but my favorite was Robin Hood.”
S – “Yes because animals of those sorts could coexist without killing each other.”
E – “Now who’s being too literal? But you’re right, what’s with the constant usage of friendly magical creatures?”
S – “I know your least favorite Disney movie.”
E – “Oh really? Try me.”
S – “The Jungle Book…scaredy cat…”
E – “Shutup! That was one time and I was little!”
S – “You ran half a mile barefoot on gravel to get to your grandparents house because the TV was too loud and it was at the scary part.”
E – “I couldn’t find my parents! It was dark! Then grandpa brought me back and they didn’t even realize I was gone!”
S – “What about fairy godfathers? You never see any of those. And all the godmothers are fat.”
E – “Hey I resent that. I’m a godmother.”
S – “Yes but not a fairy.”
E – “Oh, right. Plus they all depend on magic to get their way in life. Not once is God mentioned in any of these movies. And all the girls portrayed are all in need of a hero. They’re all these helpless frail beings who need to be rescued by their princes just to ride off in the fake sunset.”
S – “Doesn’t say much about guys either, half the princes don’t even have lines in these movies.”
E – “Or names, half of them are just called ‘Prince.’ And there’s no punishment for those who’ve done wrong.”
S – “Meaning?”
E – “The beast killed what’s his face-”
S – “Gueston.”
E – “Right, the beast killed Gueston without consequences, and Ursula got hosed by Prince Eric. Aladdin lies for a living and ends up with the princess. The guys in these movies are messed up. The prince in Cinderella – no name - falls in love after one dance, the prince from Snow White – another no name – sees her like twice and then kisses a dead girl – gross – The only real requirement for a guy in these movies is to be tall, dark and handsome. They don’t even have to speak. Talk about a dream role. But all these little kids think these movies are real. So what are we trying to teach them?”
S – “I don’t know but I have a feeling you’re about to tell me.”
E – “Disney shows badly dressed, young, nameless, helpless people who rely on magic and fall in love with random people they find attractive and sing with animals. If you’re already over sixteen you won’t marry a hot, prince or princess and you can’t live happily ever after, instead you’ll turn into this evil ugly hag. I don’t get it.”
S – “Get what?”
E – “Disney is like crack.”
S – “Did you just call Disney ‘crack?’”
E – “These kids get addicted. They go see the movies then have to have all the merchandise that goes along with it.”
S – “It helps stimulate the economy that Bush ran into the ground. So what’s your solution?”
E – “I don’t know. Make the characters older, dress them, give them lines … and names…”
S – “Okay, to you and me this makes sense, but to little kids…these movies bring joy to their lives.”
E – “Have you not paid attention to any part of this discussion? The main character is always a girl with perfect figure or a muscular boy and each and every one of them is royal or ends up royal at the end of the movie. What is a five-year-old girl who’s not in the best shape, going to say after you tell her that her parents are not the king and queen of France and she’s not going to ride off into the fake sunset with a handsome prince in the future? How would that possibly bring joy to a child’s life?”
S – “Ignorance is bliss.”
E – “Ignorance is crap…I miss those days…”
S – “Wanna watch something else?”
E – “Yes, please.”