You know you're a librarian when:

- You know what LA2 and LA3 stand for and the difference between those and librarians.

- You pull out your datebook to see what hours you're working and reach for a bindery slip when you notice it's falling apart.

- You flip to the back of a hymnal in church to see if anyone's made a note about the water damage.

- Your bookshelves are immaculate, books edged to the front and all organized by dewey decimal system or author's last name.

- You go to a bookstore and have a compulsive need to rearrange and organize things.

- Your friends come to you with literature questions.

- Your personal email password is the name of your favorite novel's protagonist.

- You read a great review and immediately check to see if it's "on order".

- You know the Dewey Decimal system by heart.

- If you don't know it by heart you can visual it in your mind and know exactly which shelf to lead patrons to when they ask for a certain item.

- You have nightmares about jam-handed children destroying your recently cleaned jP area that took two days to get through.

- You agreed with at least five of these statements.

Now I'm having flashbacks to my Creative Nonfiction class.

“It's the largest secret society in America -- bigger than the Mafia --- millions of men and women and they know each other only by their elegant syntax and grammar, their excellent word choice --- and their use of the pronoun ‘whom.’” – Tim Russell

You may be an English Major if:

If you spend a lot of time trying to wax poetic to the opposite sex… you may be an English major.
- Lots of guys know that if they turn to poetry, women will flock to them. Who could resist someone who walks up to you and says, “Your eyes are much like the color of my cat’s litter box once it needs changing…”?

If you’ve ever used big and important-sounding words without even realizing it… you may be an English major.
- It is accurate that we as English majors are accustomed to the prodigious amount of vocabulary due to our ability of being perspicacious. Intermittently, it is just scabrous to desist.

If you stay up at night reading poetry until 3 in the morning … you may be an English major.
- Mostly for me this is due to an assignment to read a poem and analyze its meaning. I imagine that most poets enjoy being mysterious and secretly take pride in everyone trying to analyze their work just to get nothing out of it. Maybe their poems mean absolutely nothing and writing them is only a ploy to make people think they know things that they actually don’t. “I've written some poetry I don't understand myself.” - Carl Sandburg

If you use Shakespeare’s words as a guide to your life… you may be an English major.
- The Fool says in King Lear, “Mark it, nuncle: Have more than thou showest, Speak less than thou knowest, Lend less than thou owest, Ride more than thou goest, Learn more than thou trowest, Set less than thou throwest; Leave thy drink and thy whore, And keep in-a-door, And thou shalt have more Than two tens to a score,” (King Lear, Act 1, Scene 4).
- We had this poster in college that said, "They say it's kind of a cult. The followers stay up all night. The men wear makeup. And someone is always setting something on fire. So who is this hero they worship? That would be the long-haired guy with the earring."

If you are constantly correcting people’s grammar in a public setting… you may be an English major.
- People may think of you as a snob, but as much as it bothers these people when you correct them, there is a difference between “who” and “whom.”

If you have an unusual urge to correct those that ask “Can I help you?”… you may be an English major.
- There is a difference between “can” and “may.” You would assume that if the asker is a sales clerk , then he or she would be part of the “can” help variety.
- This is much like in writing when people use “your” instead of “you’re.” “Your stupid!” “My stupid what?” There is also a big difference between defusing a bomb and diffusing it.

If you secretly despise popular novels just because of their popularity (such as Moby Dick)… you may be an English major…or you may have taken an Ashby class.
- Not that there’s really any difference for those of you that haven’t taken one. You’ll just have to trust us.

If you despise math and science and all that they represent… you may be an English major.
- Who cares about statistics? Poetry is never about statistics, and let’s face it, any writing about math is just plain boring.

If you take a road-trip across the country claiming to be Jack Kerouac’s “Dean Moriarty” from his novel On the Road… you may be an English major.
- Who wouldn’t want to drive across the country with a protagonist fixated on drugs, women, and intellectualism?

If you ever feel the need to have a pen name… you may be an English major.
- It is said that when writing under an alias, one is able to speak more freely about their true point of view… or maybe they just want to be referred to as “Armand Hammer,” “Chris P. Bacon,” or “Marsha Mellow.”

If you use the phrase, “of course,” quite frequently… you may be an English major.
- “We were English majors, of course --- I say, ‘of course,’ because that's a phrase that, of course, English majors use often, especially when saying extremely questionable things. But that goes without saying.” – Dave Barry

If you tend to take punctuation into your own hands… you may be an English major.
- We all have our own unique writing styles. Punctuation is a big part of that. Look at Emily Dickinson, she never used anything but a dash and look how far she got.

“As an English major, one is naturally in a good mood most of the time — a good knowledge of English is salubrious — you are transported by words, such as exultant and beatific and felicity — you amble or perambulate or trip lightly or gallivant and felicitous phrases tumble through your consciousness — ‘how sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank, here we will sit, and let the sounds of music creep in our ears.’” – Garrison Keillor

True or False:

All English majors love poetry.
- False, some of us hate it with a passion. We only read and write it if it’s assigned and then avoid it like the plague.

All English majors will write poetry.
- False, many of us have been holding in all our anxiety and rage about the constant reading of poetry and all things romantic that once we graduate we enjoy writing about explosions and shooting things.

All English majors only hang out with other English majors because of literacy issues.
- False, we have other friends as well . It’s not our fault if some of them can’t keep up with our being precocious and all.

All English majors are romantics at heart.
- False, many of us, due to extensive research in this area, become cynical… and scary.

All English majors constantly have their noses in a book.
- False, clearly not all of the English majors in the world can fit all their noses into a single book.

All English majors constantly quote Shakespeare and use his works as a guide to our lives.
- True, one can learn so much from the mighty Shakespeare, even things like finances. Feste says in Twelfth Night, “These wise men who give fools money get themselves a good report--after fourteen years’ purchase,” (Twelfth Night, Act 4, Scene 1).

All English majors are easy to pick on.
- This may be true at times, but you must beware when you pick on an English major. They might write something about you that people will be reading all over the world even hundreds of years from now. There would be nowhere to hide for you or any of your offspring.